Since everybody has a sad story to tell, I would rather focus on my sobriety experience and the road I have walked to get where I am.
When I joined the AA 4 years ago, I never thought it humanly possible to stay sober. I had been to rehab and I left feeling great. One of the doctors told me not to be cocky, it was going to be very very difficult.
He was right, I landed back in rehab not long after that.
Being clean made me feel immortal. I was on top of it all, I could do overcome it. I didn’t go to AA meetings. I was dishonest about my state of mind. If someone asked me how I was, I would say that I was just fine, because that is what people expected of me, to fine, sober and happy with my new life.
I was happy, maybe too happy. I thought that I was fine. After pouring a dop (drink) for my hubby, I added too much mix and sipped the damn brandy to make space for the ice. He didn’t notice, so I thought I could get away with sips. Small sips became grooter (bigger) sips, which turned into my own dop (drink)…. and so started my journey to relapse.
Every morning I promised myself that I wasn’t going to drink. But by 11 I had my first brandy. Gradually getting earlier and earlier until I was drinking 24/7 again.
I am blessed that I could go to rehab again. I listened to the lectures and did my homework. This time I was going to make it. When I was back home disaster struck and I honestly went into robot mode. I had no control over what I was doing. I stole the bar keys, leopard crawled into the bar so that the alarm did not go off and started drinking again. Since everybody thought I was clean and sober, I got away with it for a couple of months, until I was drinking from my husband’s gin, brandy and whiskey collections.
I had to confess. I wanted to confess because I was a liar and a cheat. I hated myself. I got clean again. There was no reason for me to go to the lectures again, I knew them off by heart, but to practice them was a different story.
My first year being sober was the most difficult. The “shame” of being an alcoholic. The unfairness of it all. The self-pity.
The “I don’t want to go because I cant drink”.
But I got through it.
The second year I started laughing again, got my mojo back and slowly but surely found my feet and the Elsabe I was born to be. Suddenly, without realizing how time can fly, I found myself in my third year. I was good. Really good. Truly good. I weighed a 104kg and lost 40kg. I felt like a different person. I joked about my alcoholism. Don’t get me wrong, this is no laughing matter, but if you cry, you cry alone, so I made it easy for myself to joke about it, talk about it, give advice, be open, be honest and admit if I cant remember situations or places or even holidays I have been on.
Now everyone I meet knows I am an alcoholic and once the admiration sets in from other people you sort of get addicted to the “wow, and you are still fun” comments.
I am a recovering alcoholic and proud to say that I have been clean for 3 years, God willing, and by my own strength will be for the next 3 years. I am still an addict, and will always be one. I am just choosing my addiction so that I don’t put other peoples lives in danger – coffee, Master Chef, shopping and sugar, surely that will not mess up my life.
To all the newcomers, the struggling addicts, the newly recovered addicts, I know what you are talking about. I know how scary it can be and how hopeless it looks when someone else gets their sobriety coin.
But one thing is for sure, you can do it.
Thank you for fixing the problem!!!